Hermana Ada Maria Daugs

Small Plates

A lesson in personal revelation

Hey everyone! This week has definitely been one of the biggest roller coasters I’ve had in my mission. But wow, I sure have learned a lot.

It all started with my interview with President Schmeil on Wednesday. As many of you know, I’ve been having some pretty bad headaches for almost four months now. We’ve tried preventing them, and treating them, and changing medicine with the hope that the pain would finally cease. But, it has been to no avail. President has known about this for about a month now, and he followed up with me about it on Wednesday. When he heard that nothing had changed, he was reasonably alarmed. We talked about it for a while, and he suggested that I consider the possibility of going home.

I told him no.

The reason it took me 3 months to even tell president Schmiel what was going on is because I didn’t ever want to hear him say that. I love Florida, and I, like Ammon, “I desire to dwell among this people for a time; yea, and perhaps until the day I die.” There truly is no place I would rather be. I love being a missionary, I love the Spanish language, I love the culture, and the food, and the people. I love my companions and fellow missionaries like siblings.

When I told president I didn’t want to go home, that I was fine, and that I could make it just 9 weeks more, he looked at me and lovingly told me that he didn’t want to convince me to go home. He said he loves having me here, and that I’ve been a good missionary, and that it really is possible that I serve as long as I had planned. He just asked me to consider it. I told him I would.

I went home, and my prayers probably sounded like this for a while: “Heavenly Father, President says I should talk to you about going home. I suppose that’s possible, but I don’t really think I need to, right?”

I got no response.

I tried to just shrug off the idea and wait for Heavenly Father to tell me I was right, and that President Schmiel was silly for even mentioning it. I mean, come on. I’m almost done anyway.

I’m sure you can predict what happened next, even without me explaining it to you.

Heavenly Father never sent me the “you’re right” that I was looking for. Instead, He sent His Spirit to keep pestering me about my stubbornness. Every time I felt pain in my head, I couldn't help but wonder, could President Schmeil be right? Do I need to go get this taken care of?

It wasn’t just when I was in pain, either. I felt the impression to further explore the idea over and over and over. It just wouldn’t go away. So I decided, you know what? Fine. I’ll explore the idea a bit more.

I wrote down a list of all of the reasons I wanted to stay, as well as the reasons I didn’t. I wrote down another list, of all of the reasons I wanted to go as well as the reasons I didn't. It may have cleared up a bit of the chaos in my mind, but I still came to no conclusion. It was frustrating. I’m a very logical, mathematical, level headed person, or at least I’d like to think I am. So the fact that I couldn’t just write it all down and tally up the pros and cons and call it a day was hard for me.

The reason a list was helpful, but not even close to a solution for me, was because there was and is so much I don’t know. Would going home really help my headaches? I don’t know. Would staying out here and continuing with the medical treatment I have access to solve my problem soon enough that it would be worth it for me to stay out here? I don’t know. What will I miss out on if I leave? I don’t know. What will I miss out on if I stay? I don’t know.

I couldn’t weigh my options, because I didn’t even have the wildest clue as to how much each option really weighed.

I realized that if I was going to spend time weighing unknowns, I may as well figure out the most important unknown out of all of them: What is God’s will for me?

My prayers changed a bit. It was more like, “Heavenly Father, I’m really not sure what You want me to do. But now I’m willing to listen if You have something to tell me.”

I started to study. I sought diligently in the scriptures, and in General Conference talks, and in my patriarchal blessing. What am I supposed to do? I learned a lot, and I wish I had the skills and the wisdom and the time to tell you about it all. My studies this week have been such a journey.

I started my studies, specifically looking for scriptures and talks about faith and personal revelation. I first studied a bit about what it really means to act on the promptings of the Spirit.

In his talk The Faith to Ask and Then to Act, President Eyring shared: "The Lord will say things through His servants to you and to me today and in the days ahead. He will tell us what things we should do. The Savior will not shout commands to you and me. As He taught Elijah: “And he said, Go forth, and stand upon the mount before the Lord. And, behold, the Lord passed by, and a great and strong wind rent the mountains, and brake in pieces the rocks before the Lord; but the Lord was not in the wind: and after the wind an earthquake; but the Lord was not in the earthquake: “And after the earthquake a fire; but the Lord was not in the fire: and after the fire a still small voice.” Hearing that voice will come from our faith in Him. With sufficient faith, we will ask for direction with the intent to go and do whatever He asks."

When I read this, I thought to myself, “okay. The answer comes after I’m already willing to act on whatever it is. Am I really willing to act on whatever answer I receive?” It seemed almost crazy that I was asking myself that question. That’s basically the same question we pose to the people we teach, right? We present them with something that’s probably new and foreign to them, and we promise them that if they ask with true intent, they will receive an answer. What does it mean for someone learning about the church to have true intent? Well, in the case that Heavenly Father were to show them that the Book of Mormon is true, they really ought to do a lot of things after having received that answer. If they know the Book of Mormon is true, they should read it! If they know the Book of Mormon is true, they can know that Joseph Smith really was a prophet of God. If they know the Book of Mormon is true, they can know that this Church is the true church, even The Church of Jesus Christ, and therefore they ought to have a desire to be baptized by the authority we hold in this church.

The point is, they probably won’t receive an answer unless deep in their hearts they really are willing to do those things, after receiving the awaited confirmation of the Spirit.

That’s what it means to have true intent. That kind of faith, and that kind of trust, is what I suppose I was lacking, at least for the moment, because I didn’t want to hear an answer I didn’t like.

Unsurprisingly, there’s a General Conference quote that helped me with that. That’s what I learned a lot this week: there’s a General Conference quote for everything.

Camille N. Johnson said in her talk Invite Christ to Author Your Story, “We can ask questions of our loving Heavenly Father, in the name of our merciful Savior, and the witness who answers our questions is the Holy Ghost, who always testifies of truth. Because the Holy Ghost works in perfect unity with Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ, we know that the manifestations of the Holy Ghost are reliable. Why, then, are we sometimes resistant to asking for this kind of heavenly help, truth manifest to us by the Holy Ghost? Why do we put off asking a question to which we do not know the answer when the witness not only is friendly but will always tell the truth?

Perhaps it is because we don’t have the faith to accept the answer we might receive. Perhaps it is because the natural man or woman in us is resistant to turning things completely over to the Lord and trusting Him entirely. Maybe that is why we choose to stick with the narrative we have written for ourselves, a comfortable version of our story unedited by the Master Author. We don’t want to ask a question and get an answer that doesn’t fit neatly into the story we are writing for ourselves.”

That’s when I realized I didn’t have a hard decision to make. It wasn’t my decision at all. It’s His. I decided that no matter what’s written on the pros and cons lists I have, and no matter what the unknown pros and cons might be, it didn’t matter. Personal revelation doesn’t have anything to do with math. It has to do with hearing God and following His will.

In my interview with President Schmeil, he felt inspired to share a verse from his studies with me, because it had helped him expand his vision, and he thought it would help me expand mine. The verse goes as follows: “it came to pass that I prayed unto the Lord saying: O Lord, according to my faith which is in thee, wilt thou deliver me.”

The part of the verse that President wanted to highlight for me was the words which is in thee.”

He explained that he, as well as I, has the tendency to put too much faith in himself, and not enough faith in Jesus Christ. It was powerful in the interview, but grew to be more meaningful for me as time went on and as I started really seeking this revelation I so desperately needed.

I often find myself having unrealistic expectations for myself. You know what? Often isn’t even the right word. I would be so bold as to say I almost always hold myself to an unrealistic standard. At times I swear I have myself convinced that I really am superhuman. When I’m feeling unmotivated, I try to convince myself that if I just add one more task to my to-do list, then I’ll find the strength to do everything I need to do. If I just add one more responsibility to my back, I’ll be strong enough to carry it, in addition to all of the other responsibilities that I’m struggling to bear.

I’m sure you can see just as well as I can as I write this: that is not a healthy way to live. I have a lot of faith in myself, and my confidence has increased a lot here in Orlando. But I suppose at time that faith and self-confidence can distract me from where my faith really should be. I have faith in Jesus Christ. I believe in Him, and I believe Him, when he makes promises with me.

I knew that if I really did need this answer, that I would receive it, so long as I continued to put my faith in Jesus Christ.

With this new, or rather, renewed, sense of true faith in Jesus Christ, I finally felt like maybe it was possible to know God’s will for me. I knew God still wasn’t just going to spell out my whole life for me after I read a conference talk and a verse of scripture, nor even after I had that renewed sense of “here am I, send me.” But, I knew that if I had faith enough in Him to take one step in the right direction, He would guide my feet even as they fell into place.

I knew that I had a long road ahead of me. Although my question was, at its root, a yes or no question, it was infinitely more complicated than that. So I thought to myself, and I suppose in doing so prayed to the Father, All right. If I’m really going to try to follow God’s will, I need to be willing to act on whatever prompting I receive.

He wasn’t going to give me all the answers all at once. He was going to test my faith. And that He did. I had the clear thought come into my head, Let’s take a baby step in the right direction. Why don’t you call the Physical Therapist and see if you can get in another appointment before Zone Conference? (President asked me to take some time to think, and report back to him at Zone Conference.)

I thought that was a pretty good idea! If I could go to PT more times before reporting back to president, I could have a greater understanding of where my health is at. I wrote it down as a task to do later that day.

Then I realized, no. If I’m really dedicated to following His will, I’m doing it now.

I got up from my study desk and made the call to the PT office. God, this is for you. They answered, and I asked to make an appointment for the next day. They told me they were closed on Saturdays. I told them it wasn’t a problem, and that I would be in for the other appointment I had scheduled for Tuesday. We hung up the phone.

I thought, well that was odd. Why would Heavenly Father give me a prompting that wouldn’t lead to anything?

Then I realized that it wasn’t so much about the effects of my acting on the prompting, as it was about me acting at all. It was a trial of my faith. I realized that there are probably going to be times when I really am trying to follow God’s will, and I won’t see the whys. But I decided in that moment that I was devoted to God and His will and His purposes, even if I couldn’t see why things were the way they were.

So, I moved forward. I kept reading and studying and pondering and praying. I kept searching for His answer. And honestly? I don’t know, even as I write this, if I really have recieved the answer.

And that’s okay.

Elder Eyring shared this insight, “I know from experience that answers will come to fit your needs and your spiritual preparation. If you need an answer that is important to your eternal welfare or that of others, the answer is more likely to come. Yet even then, you may receive—as did Joseph Smith—the answer to be patient.”

I thought it was very interesting that he essentially explained that the more eternally significant the question, the more obvious the answer. So, the fact that I wasn’t getting an answer was honestly a sign to me that when all is said and done, this decision is not eternally significant.

That gave me a lot of peace. It helped me realize that even if I make the wrong choice, assuming a “wrong choice” even exists, that it won’t affect my eternity.

With that realization, I continued in my studies and prayers and all of those good things. I don’t know when, but at some point my mentality switched from an “if I go home” mentality to a “when I go home” mentality.

I’ve said it before, God is pretty poetic, but pretty subtle when He speaks to me. So if I’m actively looking for his hand and his meaning in my life, I can find it. But if I’m not looking, it appears He is nowhere to be found. The poetry of this circumstance is that my mentality switch is strikingly similar to the mentality that got me on the mission in the first place. There was never a moment when I just knew. Getting out here on the mission just happened.

And I suppose I can say the same about going home. There was never a moment when I knew. But here we are. I’m coming home, you guys. This is crazy. I, nor anyone who knows me well, could have predicted this. Well, I guess with the exception of my loving Heavenly Father and my merciful Savior. They know me well, and they did see this coming.

I have no idea what to expect. This wasn’t the plan I had for myself. This isn’t the story I had written.

And that’s just it. I’m not in charge here. This isn’t my plan. This is His Plan. His Eternal Plan. This is His story, and He is the Author.

It scares me, yes. In case you were wondering. There’s so much unknown. But I suppose that’s how life has always been, and how life will always be. So I say to myself, and to the world, as did Nephi, “I was led by the Spirit, not knowing beforehand the things which I should do. Nevertheless, I went forth.”

This Sunday at church was one of my favorite Sabbath days I have ever lived. Heavenly Father sent the Spirit to speak peace to my heart. I’ve been stressed, scared, and overwhelmed this whole week. But I told myself I was going to do God’s will. The scary part, more than anything, is not knowing what God’s will even is. I’ve been fighting to discern between the Spirit and my own thoughts and feelings.

Am I supposed to go? Or am I going to miss out? Is the fear I’m feeling my own fear, or is God trying to tell me to change my mind again? I could go on and on.

I walked into Sacrament meeting with a pretty strong sense of fear. But, as the meeting carried on and the spirit grew stronger, I came to realize that the fear I was feeling was not a sign that I should run away from what scared me: going home. It was fear that the thing God had asked me to do was going to be just as hard as He said it would be.

I submitted my will to His, and I know he wants me to grow. That means I also know this next chapter of my life is probably going to include its fair share of growing pains.

I suppose I might have felt, and I might be feeling, a little taste of what the Savior felt as He made his way to the Garden of Gethsemane. He knew what had to be done. But He also knew how hard it was going to be. He felt fear, surely. But because of His faith in and His love for the Father, He said, “thy will be done.”

That’s the message I needed to hear. And one of my best friends, an Elder who is also serving in this ward, shared that message over the pulpit through song. As he sang I finally realized that the fear I was feeling was not fear of doing the wrong thing. It was fear of doing the right thing. It’s the stress that comes with submission, because submission often comes with a little suffering.

He sang the song in Spanish, but here is the English version of the song that brought me so much peace:

Thy will be done, O Lord, not mine

Whether in brightest day or darkest night

And give me strength to carry on

Whatever comes

Thy will be done

And though I walk on paths unknown

And pass through fire or wear a crown of thorns

I know I’ll never be alone

This is my song

Thy will be done

Though I don’t always understand

What thou hast willed, what thou hast planned

I’ll leave it all inside thy hands

And trust thy will until we meet again

Thy will be done, O Lord, not mine

Though tears may fall and loved ones say goodbye

Thou seest so much more than I

Thy kingdom come

Thy will be done

Though I don’t always understand

What thou hast willed, what thou hast planned

I’ll leave it all inside thy hands

And trust thy will until we meet again

Thy will be done, O Lord, not mine

Whether in brightest day or darkest night

And give me strength to carry on

Whatever comes

Thy will be done

I don’t know what God has in store for me. I don’t know all of the reasons He wants me to go home at this time. But I do know one thing: He knows everything.

And that is good enough for me.