A Lesson in Personal Revelation

 Small Plates

A lesson in personal revelation

Hey everyone! This week has definitely been one of the biggest roller coasters I’ve had in my mission. But wow, I sure have learned a lot. 

It all started with my interview with President Schmeil on Wednesday. As many of you know, I’ve been having some pretty bad headaches for almost four months now. We’ve tried preventing them, and treating them, and changing medicine with the hope that the pain would finally cease. But, it has been to no avail. President has known about this for about a month now, and he followed up with me about it on Wednesday. When he heard that nothing had changed, he was reasonably alarmed. We talked about it for a while, and he suggested that I consider the possibility of going home. 

I told him no.

The reason it took me 3 months to even tell president Schmiel what was going on is because I didn’t ever want to hear him say that. I love Florida, and I, like Ammon, “I desire to dwell among this people for a time; yea, and perhaps until the day I die.” There truly is no place I would rather be. I love being a missionary, I love the Spanish language, I love the culture, and the food, and the people. I love my companions and fellow missionaries like siblings. 

When I told president I didn’t want to go home, that I was fine, and that I could make it just 9 weeks more, he looked at me and lovingly told me that he didn’t want to convince me to go home. He said he loves having me here, and that I’ve been a good missionary, and that it really is possible that I serve as long as I had planned. He just asked me to consider it. I told him I would.

I went home, and my prayers probably sounded like this for a while: “Heavenly Father, President says I should talk to you about going home. I suppose that’s possible, but I don’t really think I need to, right?”

I got no response. 

I tried to just shrug off the idea and wait for Heavenly Father to tell me I was right, and that President Schmiel was silly for even mentioning it. I mean, come on. I’m almost done anyway.

I’m sure you can predict what happened next, even without me explaining it to you.

Heavenly Father never sent me the “you’re right” that I was looking for. Instead, He sent His Spirit to keep pestering me about my stubbornness. Every time I felt pain in my head, I couldn't help but wonder, could President Schmeil be right? Do I need to go get this taken care of?

It wasn’t just when I was in pain, either. I felt the impression to further explore the idea over and over and over. It just wouldn’t go away. So I decided, you know what? Fine. I’ll explore the idea a bit more.

I wrote down a list of all of the reasons I wanted to stay, as well as the reasons I didn’t. I wrote down another list, of all of the reasons I wanted to go as well as the reasons I didn't. It may have cleared up a bit of the chaos in my mind, but I still came to no conclusion. It was frustrating. I’m a very logical, mathematical, level headed person, or at least I’d like to think I am. So the fact that I couldn’t just write it all down and tally up the pros and cons and call it a day was hard for me. 

The reason a list was helpful, but not even close to a solution for me, was because there was and is so much I don’t know. Would going home really help my headaches? I don’t know. Would staying out here and continuing with the medical treatment I have access to solve my problem soon enough that it would be worth it for me to stay out here? I don’t know. What will I miss out on if I leave? I don’t know. What will I miss out on if I stay? I don’t know. 

I couldn’t weigh my options, because I didn’t even have the wildest clue as to how much each option really weighed. 

I realized that if I was going to spend time weighing unknowns, I may as well figure out the most important unknown out of all of them: What is God’s will for me?

My prayers changed a bit. It was more like, “Heavenly Father, I’m really not sure what You want me to do. But now I’m willing to listen if You have something to tell me.”

I started to study. I sought diligently in the scriptures, and in General Conference talks, and in my patriarchal blessing. What am I supposed to do?  I learned a lot, and I wish I had the skills and the wisdom and the time to tell you about it all. My studies this week have been such a journey. 

I started my studies, specifically looking for scriptures and talks about faith and personal revelation. I first studied a bit about what it really means to act on the promptings of the Spirit. 

In his talk The Faith to Ask and Then to Act, President Eyring shared: "The Lord will say things through His servants to you and to me today and in the days ahead. He will tell us what things we should do. The Savior will not shout commands to you and me. As He taught Elijah: “And he said, Go forth, and stand upon the mount before the Lord. And, behold, the Lord passed by, and a great and strong wind rent the mountains, and brake in pieces the rocks before the Lord; but the Lord was not in the wind: and after the wind an earthquake; but the Lord was not in the earthquake: “And after the earthquake a fire; but the Lord was not in the fire: and after the fire a still small voice.” Hearing that voice will come from our faith in Him. With sufficient faith, we will ask for direction with the intent to go and do whatever He asks."

When I read this, I thought to myself, “okay. The answer comes after I’m already willing to act on whatever it is. Am I really willing to act on whatever answer I receive?” It seemed almost crazy that I was asking myself that question. That’s basically the same question we pose to the people we teach, right? We present them with something that’s probably new and foreign to them, and we promise them that if they ask with true intent, they will receive an answer. What does it mean for someone learning about the church to have true intent? Well, in the case that Heavenly Father were to show them that the Book of Mormon is true, they really ought to do a lot of things after having received that answer. If they know the Book of Mormon is true, they should read it! If they know the Book of Mormon is true, they can know that Joseph Smith really was a prophet of God. If they know the Book of Mormon is true, they can know that this Church is the true church, even The Church of Jesus Christ, and therefore they ought to have a desire to be baptized by the authority we hold in this church. 

The point is, they probably won’t receive an answer unless deep in their hearts they really are willing to do those things, after receiving the awaited confirmation of the Spirit. 

That’s what it means to have true intent. That kind of faith, and that kind of trust, is what I suppose I was lacking, at least for the moment, because I didn’t want to hear an answer I didn’t like. 

Unsurprisingly, there’s a General Conference quote that helped me with that. That’s what I learned a lot this week: there’s a General Conference quote for everything. 

Camille N. Johnson said in her talk Invite Christ to Author Your Story, “We can ask questions of our loving Heavenly Father, in the name of our merciful Savior, and the witness who answers our questions is the Holy Ghost, who always testifies of truth. Because the Holy Ghost works in perfect unity with Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ, we know that the manifestations of the Holy Ghost are reliable. Why, then, are we sometimes resistant to asking for this kind of heavenly help, truth manifest to us by the Holy Ghost? Why do we put off asking a question to which we do not know the answer when the witness not only is friendly but will always tell the truth? 

Perhaps it is because we don’t have the faith to accept the answer we might receive. Perhaps it is because the natural man or woman in us is resistant to turning things completely over to the Lord and trusting Him entirely. Maybe that is why we choose to stick with the narrative we have written for ourselves, a comfortable version of our story unedited by the Master Author. We don’t want to ask a question and get an answer that doesn’t fit neatly into the story we are writing for ourselves.”

That’s when I realized I didn’t have a hard decision to make. It wasn’t my decision at all. It’s His. I decided that no matter what’s written on the pros and cons lists I have, and no matter what the unknown pros and cons might be, it didn’t matter. Personal revelation doesn’t have anything to do with math. It has to do with hearing God and following His will.

In my interview with President Schmeil, he felt inspired to share a verse from his studies with me, because it had helped him expand his vision, and he thought it would help me expand mine. The verse goes as follows: “it came to pass that I prayed unto the Lord saying: O Lord, according to my faith which is in thee, wilt thou deliver me.”

The part of the verse that President wanted to highlight for me was the words which is in thee.” 

He explained that he, as well as I, has the tendency to put too much faith in himself, and not enough faith in Jesus Christ. It was powerful in the interview, but grew to be more meaningful for me as time went on and as I started  really seeking this revelation I so desperately needed. 

I often find myself having unrealistic expectations for myself. You know what? Often isn’t even the right word. I would be so bold as to say I almost always hold myself to an unrealistic standard. At times I swear I have myself convinced that I really am superhuman. When I’m feeling unmotivated, I try to convince myself that if I just add one more task to my to-do list, then I’ll find the strength to do everything I need to do. If I just add one more responsibility to my back, I’ll be strong enough to carry it, in addition to all of the other responsibilities that I’m struggling to bear. 

I’m sure you can see just as well as I can as I write this: that is not a healthy way to live. I have a lot of faith in myself, and my confidence has increased a lot here in Orlando. But I suppose at time that faith and self-confidence can distract me from where my faith really should be. I have faith in Jesus Christ. I believe in Him, and I believe Him, when he makes promises with me. 

I knew that if I really did need this answer, that I would receive it, so long as I continued to put my faith in Jesus Christ. 

With this new, or rather, renewed, sense of true faith in Jesus Christ, I finally felt like maybe it was possible to know God’s will for me. I knew God still wasn’t just going to spell out my whole life for me after I read a conference talk and a verse of scripture, nor even after I had that renewed sense of “here am I, send me.” But, I knew that if I had faith enough in Him to take one step in the right direction, He would guide my feet even as they fell into place. 

I knew that I had a long road ahead of me. Although my question was, at its root, a yes or no question, it was infinitely more complicated than that. So I thought to myself, and I suppose in doing so prayed to the Father, All right. If I’m really going to try to follow God’s will, I need to be willing to act on whatever prompting I receive. 

He wasn’t going to give me all the answers all at once. He was going to test my faith. And that He did. I had the clear thought come into my head, Let’s take a baby step in the right direction. Why don’t you call the Physical Therapist and see if you can get in another appointment before Zone Conference? (President asked me to take some time to think, and report back to him at Zone Conference.)

I thought that was a pretty good idea! If I could go to PT more times before reporting back to president, I could have a greater understanding of where my health is at. I wrote it down as a task to do later that day.

Then I realized, no. If I’m really dedicated to following His will, I’m doing it now. 

I got up from my study desk and made the call to the PT office. God, this is for you. They answered, and I asked to make an appointment for the next day. They told me they were closed on Saturdays. I told them it wasn’t a problem, and that I would be in for the other appointment I had scheduled for Tuesday. We hung up the phone.

I thought, well that was odd. Why would Heavenly Father give me a prompting that wouldn’t lead to anything?

Then I realized that it wasn’t so much about the effects of my acting on the prompting, as it was about me acting at all. It was a trial of my faith. I realized that there are probably going to be times when I really am trying to follow God’s will, and I won’t see the whys. But I decided in that moment that I was devoted to God and His will and His purposes, even if I couldn’t see why things were the way they were. 

So, I moved forward. I kept reading and studying and pondering and praying. I kept searching for His answer. And honestly? I don’t know, even as I write this, if I really have recieved the answer. 

And that’s okay. 

Elder Eyring shared this insight, “I know from experience that answers will come to fit your needs and your spiritual preparation. If you need an answer that is important to your eternal welfare or that of others, the answer is more likely to come. Yet even then, you may receive—as did Joseph Smith—the answer to be patient.”

I thought it was very interesting that he essentially explained that the more eternally significant the question, the more obvious the answer. So, the fact that I wasn’t getting an answer was honestly a sign to me that when all is said and done, this decision is not eternally significant. 

That gave me a lot of peace. It helped me realize that even if I make the wrong choice, assuming a “wrong choice” even exists, that it won’t affect my eternity. 

With that realization, I continued in my studies and prayers and all of those good things. I don’t know when, but at some point my mentality switched from an “if I go home” mentality to a “when I go home” mentality. 

I’ve said it before, God is pretty poetic, but pretty subtle when He speaks to me. So if I’m actively looking for his hand and his meaning in my life, I can find it. But if I’m not looking, it appears He is nowhere to be found. The poetry of this circumstance is that my mentality switch is strikingly similar to the mentality that got me on the mission in the first place. There was never a moment when I just knew. Getting out here on the mission just happened.  

And I suppose I can say the same about going home. There was never a moment when I knew. But here we are. I’m coming home, you guys. This is crazy. I, nor anyone who knows me well, could have predicted this. Well, I guess with the exception of my loving Heavenly Father and my merciful Savior. They know me well, and they did see this coming. 

I have no idea what to expect. This wasn’t the plan I had for myself. This isn’t the story I had written. 

And that’s just it. I’m not in charge here. This isn’t my plan. This is His Plan. His Eternal Plan. This is His story, and He is the Author. 

It scares me, yes. In case you were wondering. There’s so much unknown. But I suppose that’s how life has always been, and how life will always be. So I say to myself, and to the world, as did Nephi, “I was led by the Spirit, not knowing beforehand the things which I should do. Nevertheless, I went forth.”

This Sunday at church was one of my favorite Sabbath days I have ever lived. Heavenly Father sent the Spirit to speak peace to my heart. I’ve been stressed, scared, and overwhelmed this whole week. But I told myself I was going to do God’s will. The scary part, more than anything, is not knowing what God’s will even is. I’ve been fighting to discern between the Spirit and my own thoughts and feelings. 

Am I supposed to go? Or am I going to miss out? Is the fear I’m feeling my own fear, or is God trying to tell me to change my mind again? I could go on and on. 

I walked into Sacrament meeting with a pretty strong sense of fear. But, as the meeting carried on and the spirit grew stronger, I came to realize that the fear I was feeling was not a sign that I should run away from what scared me: going home. It was fear that the thing God had asked me to do was going to be just as hard as He said it would be. 

I submitted my will to His, and I know he wants me to grow. That means I also know this next chapter of my life is probably going to include its fair share of growing pains. 

I suppose I might have felt, and I might be feeling, a little taste of what the Savior felt as He made his way to the Garden of Gethsemane. He knew what had to be done. But He also knew how hard it was going to be. He felt fear, surely. But because of His faith in and His love for the Father, He said, “thy will be done.”

That’s the message I needed to hear. And one of my best friends, an Elder who is also serving in this ward, shared that message over the pulpit through song. As he sang I finally realized that the fear I was feeling was not fear of doing the wrong thing. It was fear of doing the right thing. It’s the stress that comes with submission, because submission often comes with a little suffering. 

He sang the song in Spanish, but here is the English version of the song that brought me so much peace:

Thy will be done, O Lord, not mine

Whether in brightest day or darkest night

And give me strength to carry on

Whatever comes

Thy will be done

And though I walk on paths unknown

And pass through fire or wear a crown of thorns

I know I’ll never be alone

This is my song

Thy will be done

Though I don’t always understand

What thou hast willed, what thou hast planned

I’ll leave it all inside thy hands

And trust thy will until we meet again

Thy will be done, O Lord, not mine

Though tears may fall and loved ones say goodbye

Thou seest so much more than I

Thy kingdom come

Thy will be done

Though I don’t always understand

What thou hast willed, what thou hast planned

I’ll leave it all inside thy hands

And trust thy will until we meet again

Thy will be done, O Lord, not mine

Whether in brightest day or darkest night

And give me strength to carry on

Whatever comes

Thy will be done

I don’t know what God has in store for me. I don’t know all of the reasons He wants me to go home at this time. But I do know one thing: He knows everything. 

And that is good enough for me. 

Surviving Hurricane Ian

Sister Tahbo, Sister Peterson

This week, I'm not writing my email in my usual format, because I feel the story of my week is better retold as one combined history/testimony. I'm sorry it's long. This week I have felt much like Ammon, who exclaimed, "Behold, who can glory too much in the Lord? Yea, who can say too much of his great power, and of his mercy, and of his long-suffering towards the children of men? Behold, I say unto you, I cannot say the smallest part which I feel."

As most of you know by now, this week Florida was hit by one of the worst hurricanes it has ever seen--Hurricane Ian. If my facts are right, though they might not be due to my limited access to the internet, there have only been 2 Category 5 hurricanes to hit Florida in the last 30 years. Hurricane Ian hit land as a Category 4, with sustained wind at 155 miles per hour. A Category 5 hurricane is any storm with sustained winds of 157 miles per hour or higher. So, we were right there close. That's pretty crazy!

That being said, I want everyone right now to know that I am okay, and so are all of the other missionaries in the State of Florida. Here in Orange County, we didn't really deal with too much damage, relative to the counties closer to the coast. It was pretty bad over there.

I'm going to avoid boring you by telling you all of the things you've already seen on the news. Rather, I'll tell you what a week in the life of a missionary during a hurricane looks like, and how a hurricane strengthened my faith in my Father in Heaven:

In order to do that, we need to rewind a little bit. The Schmiels are incredible. They've officially been in the mission field for 3 months, and they amaze me every single day. From the very beginning, they have placed particular emphasis on obedience. Exact obedience has been hard for some missionaries, myself included. 

A few weeks ago, the Schmeils started telling us we need to have our 72 hour kits prepared. They urged us to organize everything for our kit and have it built by a specific deadline. No one was opposed to making a 72 hour kit, but most of us didn't really see the point. We all had enough food in our pantries to last us in case of an emergency, and nothing bad has really happened in the last few years, so none of the missionaries have ever had a need to be prepared. Many missionaries go their entire mission without ever needing a 72 hour kit. A lot of the missionaries figured it was probably just another guideline the Schmeils discovered, and thus another thing they wanted us to improve our obedience in. So we did it. For some of us, it was a quick process that required nothing more than some extra money and time. For others, it required the same things, plus a few loving reminders;)

Fast forward to about a week ago when we started to hear about Hurricane Ian. We immediately started taking preparatory measures. Church headquarters was aware of our needs. Our area authorities were aware of our needs. President Schmiel and all of the other mission presidents in these missions had a big meeting with the Area Seventies and immediately afterward, President Schmiel called for a Mission Leadership meeting. We all got on a zoom call at about 9:30 at night and President shared with us everything we needed to know. At that point, we didn't know how bad the hurricane was going to be, but some plans were made and put into action as fast as possible. 

All missionaries within 20 miles of the coast were evacuated. The Welchs were crucial in those evacuation efforts. They are the housing & finance coordinators for the mission, and they also just got here a few months ago. So this was a monumental task for them. They figured out which missionaries to move & where to put them, and they made a very strategic and spirit-led plan for accomplishing that. 

As part of that plan, we received some temporary roommates!! Sister Goldston and Sister Tahbo. They came to us from almost 2 hours away, in Daytona Beach. That's Northeast of us. They have been so much fun to be around! They got here Monday night and made themselves right at home! And by "right at home" I mean they made their beds on the floor with as many spare towels as we could find, and the yoga mat my mom sent me for my birthday haha. 

Disheveled beds and all, I would say we definitely made the most of our situation and had a good few days together. I haven't written much about Sister Peterson in my past emails, but you guys– she and I get along so well. It's nothing but joy over here in Horizon West. And then when you add Sister Goldston and Sister Tahbo to the mix, you just get pure bliss. We've had some very joyful days together, and they were here for so long they felt like our roommates, so it's sad to see them go. 

I'm not even entirely sure what it was that made these days so good. They just were. This week was the strangest week of my entire mission. We weren't allowed to proselytize much this week, for obvious reasons. So, we had a lot of study time. Those of you who know me well know that I love studying. I mentioned in my last email that we were invited to study covenants, so I tried to dedicate a lot of time to that. I also just dove right into the Book of Mormon without having to worry about how much time I had to ponder and think about what I was reading. So, the spirit was extra present in my life for that reason. 

We also felt inspired to prepare trainings and do video calls with all of the sisters we cover as STLs. I wasn't sure why we felt like we should do that, but we figured at the very least it wasn't a bad idea. It's just that being a missionary leader is kind of weird, because I feel no more capable or qualified to do any of this than any other Sister. We're all just kids out here trying our best. So I honestly wasn't sure if any of the advice I could have would be of any use for them, but we decided to do it anyway, because we felt like the spirit was telling us to do so. I definitely felt a bit of insecurity about how the missionaries would respond to our idea. We even reached out to one of the companionships about doing the call and they just ignored our message. But, then we started to hear back from some of the other sisters and they were so excited about it! We asked them about what they felt like they wanted to work on and then we got to studying and preparing to help them! 

Preparing was good, and it was good to feel that sense of direction in my studies, as we weren't actively teaching any non-members during the lockdown, so I had no lessons to prepare for. One of my favorite parts of the entire lockdown was doing those calls with those Sisters, though. We got to prayerfully study and discuss the needs of each area and each companionship and that's when I realized what this whole STL thing is about. 

I'm not a better missionary than any of them. I look to each and every one of them for guidance and inspiration. 

But I have been called, and whom the Lord calls, He qualifies. It was so cool to be able to pray with them to know how to help them overcome challenges and become better missionaries for the people they are to serve. I genuinely felt like revelation was just raining down from Heaven. I learned so much in those calls, even though many of the things we talked about were basic, simple truths. I felt that I was talking a lot, but every time I opened my mouth to share something, it seemed like words were coming out before the thought had fully entered my mind. It was like I, too, was hearing this advice for the first time. I don't know how else to explain it. Elder Stevenson kind of talked about what I experienced that day in his talk in Conference. He said something along the lines of, "sometimes a testimony is best gained by sharing it." He explained once we open our mouths and testify of truth, more truth comes to us. That's exactly what happened to me. I offered advice from experience and study, and then more advice came to me as I spoke. Except the latter portion of the advice was neither something I did nor was it something I knew I needed to do. Not until that very moment, at least.

Either way, I definitely have seen an increase in my testimony of personal revelation. We are all entitled to hear from our Heavenly Father. In fact, he wants to speak to us. And for those people who are serving in a calling of some sort, whether it be a prophet, or a bishop, or a parent, or a mission President, or an STL, we are entitled to receive revelation for those over whom we have stewardship. 

Our Heavenly Father doesn't give us responsibilities without providing us with the necessary resources. He doesn't bless anyone with a child without being willing to give that parent the necessary guidance to raise their child. He doesn't give anyone a calling in the church without also granting them access to the windows of Heaven. 

This is something I have come to learn over and over again this week. God speaks. I have no doubt of that in my mind. 

He does it in subtle ways though. 2 pdays ago, me and Sister Peterson felt like we ought to just buy all of our groceries for the rest of the transfer in one single trip. That meant buying a month's worth of food. We recognized that it was an odd thing to do, but we did it anyway. And it's a good thing we did, so we would have enough food in the house to feed 4 hungry Sister missionaries who were stuck inside the apartment for 5 days. That was God speaking.

The Schmiels' urgent plea for us to prepare our 72 hour kits? That was God speaking. 

Even the mere way that they evacuated the missionaries was inspired. When Sister Goldston and Sister Tahbo arrived at our place, they called the local president leaders from their area to inform them that they had left. Everyone ridiculed these Sisters for moving this way. Overnight, the hurricane predictions changed, and it turned straight towards us. It seemed like maybe these people were right. Maybe we were all in danger. Maybe these Sisters should not have left their home, they would have been safer there. But, we waited out the storm, and we made it out okay. It was loud, it was rainy, it was windy, but we were protected. The storm then moved towards Sister Goldston & Sister Tahbo's area, where it picked up water, speed, and strength. It caused a lot of damage. In the end, those Sisters were definitely safer with us than they would have been at home. It seems to be a similar story with every missionary I've talked to. It's almost like Hurricane Ian took a break every time it crossed over an apartment complex that the missionaries were in. We were all exactly where we needed to be. That was God speaking. 

Revelation was something Sister Schmeil talked about on one of our calls during the week. She & President Schmiel were stressed, I'm sure, by the weight of our safety on their shoulders. Sister Schmeil was talking to her brother, who had been a mission President previously, and he gave her some really good advice. He said, "if your missionaries just trust in you and follow your counsel, they are going to be okay. 

You might be thinking, "how does that help them feel better about not knowing what counsel to give us?" That's what I thought, too. But then this principle I've been thinking about came to my mind again. God speaks. Revelation is real, although sometimes we don't recognize it. He was reminding her that she and President Schmiel are promised access to the revelation necessary to keep us safe. All they were required to do was follow the Spirit, and Heavenly Father would do the rest. And that is exactly what He did. We're all safe, healthy, happy, and stronger in our faith. 

I have no doubt in my mind that our Heavenly Father still speaks to us. I'm so grateful to be able to receive revelation for myself. I'm so grateful that those who have stewardship over me receive the relationship they need to lead and guide me. I'm so grateful that He speaks to His prophet and apostles. This week was already so spiritually uplifting, and then finishing it off with General Conference? Wow. 

God speaks. I have no doubt in my mind that Christ's church has been restored to the earth today. Our loving Heavenly Father speaks to His prophet, Russell M Nelson, whom I love and fully sustain. The 12 apostles are the literal apostles of our Lord Jesus Christ. Christ lives. He loves us. He taught His gospel through the prophets of the Old Testament, to the disciples of the New, and here, in this continent. He visited the American people over 2000 years ago. The Book of Mormon is true. Joseph Smith was a prophet. God's work is hastening. We are incredibly blessed to live in the time that we do. The things we are seeing have never happened before, and we get to be eyewitnesses to the gathering of Israel. No, not even that. We get to be participants in that Great Work. I testify with all the fervor of my soul that I know this to be true, and I do so in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

Sister Goldston, Sister Tahbo, Sister Peterson

Sister Goldston, Sister Tahbo, Sister Peterson

Sister Goldston, Sister Tahbo, Sister Peterson

The saving and exalting grace that turns our pains into growing pains

Large Plates 

Disney, lessons, MLC, and a really good Sunday

Last pday, we went over to the Disney Boardwalk! We played Disney mini golf; I did a terrible job. After that, we just wandered around and looked at some stores and took in the views. We also went on the skyride and a boat tour, both of which were free!! I'm really starting to love this new district. They're all so kind and easy-going. Not a single person complained all day (except about the heat. We all complained about the heat), even though we were doing something that maybe not everyone wanted to be doing.  Everyone here in the Lake Reams District just has such a good heart. 

We also had MLC this week. It was really good to meet up with a bunch of my favorite missionaries again! We left MLC happy, but feeling a little inadequate too. There's a lot of room for improvement. But, I know that Heavenly Father has a plan and He will help our zone become what He knows it can be!

We also had some really good lessons this week. We talked about prayer with Hernan, and we're really hoping he will get more comfortable with prayer, to the point where he will pray to know if the church is true:)

We had a heart to heart with Germán and his family the other night, too. They really appreciate us and everything we are doing for them. They're still adjusting to everything that is going on in their new lives here, so it's hard for them to keep commitments like reading the Book of Mormon. We're really praying that they really start to progress, because we can already see that the gospel is blessing them and changing their lives.

We had another lesson with them this Sunday before church and it was so so good! We talked to them about how they have been changing and growing and how proud we are of them for all of the growth we have seen in them. We can literally see a change in their countenance. They are converted to this gospel and it's so exciting to see!!!

Then, we went to Sacrament meeting and it was AWESOME. The Schmeils were there for some reason, and the Elders spoke, and the Schmeils bore their testimonies in Spanish too! They don't even speak spanish haha. It was such a good sacrament meeting oh my goodness.

The rest of Sunday was kind of a blur. Some of the sisters we cover as STLs called us crying and asked if we could do an emergency exchange and go teach a lesson with one of them. One of the sisters is really struggling right now, and we're so happy she trusts us enough to reach out and ask for help. She's going to be okay. It was just a hard day for her. 

So, long story short, we met up with them at their appointment, I taught a lesson to strangers, without a lesson plan, and then we ate dinner together and brought a bunch of their stuff to our apartment. Me and Sister Rowell slept on the floor, and they took our beds. We're going to spend some time together for pday and it's going to be tons of fun!

Small Plates 

The saving and exalting grace that turns our pains into growing pains 

I learned a lot this week. I don't even know what I'm supposed to share with everyone this week. 

Well, for starters, maybe I ought to tell a little bit of the story of what has been going on back home for about the last month. About a month ago, our family got news that my grandma had pancreatic cancer. The doctors said there was no way to treat it, because it had already progressed from her pancreas to other organs. There was no way to preserve her life. They estimated she would have about 6 months left to live.

This was hard news to receive. I've still got a while left on my mission. I knew the day I heard this news that I would not be seeing my grandmother again in this life. And that there was nothing I could do about it. 

I did the best I could to come to terms with it all, and I was able to find some peace. She lived a long, happy life. And she did a lot of good for a lot of people while she was here. 

Shortly after I had first received this news, we had interviews with President Schmiel. He asked me about what's going on in my life and how I'm doing, and we talked for a while about my dear grandma. It was the first time I felt like I was able to have a real heart to heart with President Schmiel. He's really busy. And it's hard for him to get to know hundreds of missionaries, I get it. He shared some advice with me, and more than anything, he expressed his love and concern for me as an individual. The timing of it was perfect, and exactly what I needed. 

As the work went on here in Florida, the cancer kept growing back home. My grandma's health declined very quickly. About a week ago, they brought in Hospice care and said it would be a matter of days before she passed. 

That was tough. I saw her one last time on a call that night, and said my goodbyes. I don't know if she heard a word I said, but that's okay. My sweet mom got to listen in, and feel my love and hear my testimony. 

This last week has had a lot of ups and downs, but I've seen God's hand in all of it. It's been beautiful to hear my mom tell me about how this life event has brought her and her brothers closer together. I love my uncles so much. They are all such incredible men, and I'm so grateful they are a part of my life and that of my mom's.

The crazy thing about it is, my extended family hasn't all been living in Utah for very long. I had family in Vegas, or in Colorado, even way out in New Hampshire. It was pretty rare for a while to be able to get everyone together. But, in the last couple of years, each of their individual lives and circumstances have brought them back to Utah, and at just the right time. My grandma's cancer progressed so rapidly, that if they weren't all already in Utah, it would have been very difficult to get them together to be with her. God's plan can be subtle. But it is purposeful. He knows what is happening everywhere, and He knows what will be happening in the future. And He guides us to exactly where we need to be when we need to be there. 

Saturday night, after receiving the last update from home, I felt like that night might just be her night to go. I would be lying if I said it didn't make me sad. But I would also be lying if I said I felt alone, or hopeless, or frustrated. I felt peace. 

I woke up the next morning in a similar state of peace, and carried on with the work. We taught one of the most incredible lessons of my mission, and after the lesson was over, I saw that my mom had sent me an audio message. I knew, even without listening to it, what it said. And it was okay. After our lesson and English class, we went to sacrament meeting, which I've already talked a little bit about. My heart was filled with joy. I saw the Schmeils up there on the stand, and heard the Elders in my ward speak, and I felt like I was at home. Not at home, as in Logan. I felt like Florida was home. 

I haven't felt that way for a little while. Of course there's some days that are better than others. But this month has been one of a lot of changes. And it's strange. But it's so so good. 

Growing IS painful. Learning and changing and BECOMING. It's not easy. But if it hurts, that's a sign that you are growing. 

And growth comes from grace. Christ's Atonement gave us enabling grace. It gives us the grace we need to overcome. And it also gives us the grace we need to become. It's saving grace, and it's exalting grace. 

So, I guess that's what I learned this week. That life isn't always easy. But God's hand is in all of it. And Christ's grace is there for all of it. And that very grace is what helps us get through the hard times. And it's what helps us grow through what we go through! 

I know God loves me. I know He's aware of what I need. And He's aware of what those around me need. And that's exactly what He gives us. He gives us strength. He gives us opportunities to grow and change and become more like Him. And I'm so grateful for that.